Yesterday, my husband went to buy berries and ground turkey at ALDI and ham off the bone at Sprouts.

I woke up this morning to our house alarm screeching at about 5 o’clock. My husband is not in bed with me. I hear him yelling that everything is OK, that he accidentally set it off going out to the trash. It is not trash day, so I’m not sure what has happened but he has it handled, so OK.

He comes back to bed and tells me “I’m pretty sure I shoplifted.”

Excuse me?

“I’ve been up the past few hours, because I don’t think the total at ALDI was high enough.” He then proceeds to tell me he doesn’t think the ground turkey scanned when he did the self-checkout.

That’s why he was in the garbage: To find the receipt. He could not find it, so he took all the clamshells for the berries out of the trash. He asked me not to cook the turkey (it’s for our dogs) because he was going to go back to the store and have them check, and pay for the turkey.

“I’m sure it’s fine,” I say.

“I don’t need the police showing up here to arrest me,” he says.

This man is dead serious.

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We have breakfast.

He asks me to show him how to record someone on his phone. I tell him I will but ask why he wants to record someone (he does not want to use the camera).

“So when the cops show up, I can show them.” (WHEN. We’ve graduated to WHEN, fam.)

“If they thought you were stealing the turkey, they would have stopped you before you left the store.”

“I don’t know that. They have cameras. Maybe they’re tracing my card back to the address.”

“If the cops show up to arrest you,” I say — and I want to stress I cannot BELIEVE this is a conversation we are having — “they will have a warrant. They won’t examine evidence.”

“I know that, but I can show the judge.”

“They are not going to take you to court for a pound of ground turkey.”

“You don’t know that!”

I sigh.

I remind him Florida is a two-party state.

“I”d rather get arrested for that than stealing turkey.”

And so he went, back to ALDI, with his pound of turkey and empty berry clamshells. I told him to call me if he needed bail.

And here’s the kicker: Turns out he HAD paid for the turkey.

It’s a testament to ALDI’s prices, really.